CASE
# S1 - “I Was Great”
Your boyfriend/girlfriend
calls and starts talking about last night’s party. You feel angry
about some of the things s)he did while s)he was drinking. You say,
“You totally embarrassed me last night.” “What is up with you?” s)he
asks, sounding genuinely surprised. “Everybody thought I was great.”
How
would you "Say What You See?” without being judgmental
or putting him or her down? What might be some examples of behavior
you saw him or her do or heard him or her say that you found embarrassing?
Write down the actual words you might say.
POSSIBLE
RESPONSES # S1 “I Was Great”
1. A girlfriend might say, "Let me tell you what I remember."
Then without exaggeration or interjecting any emotion relate examples
such as; "You tried to pick me up on your shoulder like a sack of flour.
I was really glad you didn't get me up because I was wearing a skirt
but we both nearly fell to the floor. I was really glad you let me drive,
because otherwise I would have found another way home.
2. A boyfriend might say, "Let me tell you what I remember. "Then
without exaggeration or interjecting any emotion relate examples such
as, "You wanted to show everyone in the kitchen how you could juggle
using 3 glass tumblers, then you dropped and broke 2 of them. Usually,
I’m proud to be seen with you, but I wasn’t last night."
FLASH
TOOLS for # S1
1 – Being factual
2 - Expressing concern
3 - setting boundaries
CASE
# S2 Gambling and Alcohol
Hector plays on your intramural
sports team and frequently asks you if you want to go gambling with
him at the casino. At one time, he was a heavy drinker, but this school
year he has really cut back. You know it’s because a friend of his almost
died from a drinking episode involving a funnel. You have heard the
term “cross addiction” and are wondering if he might be replacing alcohol
with gambling to get high.
You might
want to use some campus resources for this one. Who could help you understand
the idea of cross addiction and how to talk to Hector?
POSSIBLE
RESPONSES # S2 – Gambling and Alcohol
1. "Hector, this is the fifth time you’ve asked me to go
gambling with you since the first of the month. It seems like you’re
gambling a lot more lately."
FLASH TOOLS:
1 - Being factual
2 – Expressing concern
2. “Hector, you used to always talk about drinking but now you
always talk about gambling. What’s up?”
FLASH TOOLS:
1 - Being factual
2 – Expressing concern
3. To become better informed about cross addiction, contact student
counseling or student health. Many communities have agencies that offer
education on alcohol, gambling and other problems. They are in the yellow
pages. Ask them who would be the best person to answer some information
questions about alcohol and gambling abuse. Their information might
help you make a response like this, “Hector, I have been proud of you
for cutting back on your drinking, but lately I’ve been concerned that
you are replacing the drinking with gambling.
FLASH TOOLS:
1 - Being factual
2 – Expressing concern
3 – Offering good information
CASE
# S3 An Obnoxious PartYer
During a party, a guy from your floor gets loud and obnoxious. He’s
had too much to drink. Nobody else can talk while he argues about the
virtues of the American labor movement in the 1930’s. He’s an acquaintance
of yours but not a close friend. When someone tries to slow him down
he just waves her away and shouts even louder.
Who else
might be concerned about this loud, obnoxious person disturbing the
party? How could you approach other people about handling this situation?
What could you say to the person the next day?
POSSIBLE
RESPONSES # S3 – An Obnoxious Partier
There are
two tasks here: A) Getting him quiet so your party can be fun again
and B) when he is sober, letting him know that his behavior wasn’t fun.
1. You can ask him to settle down. If that doesn’t work, you
can check to see if others think he’s as obnoxious as you do, especially
anybody who knows him well. If so, then several of you can take him
aside to another room so that the party can get back to normal. If not,
then maybe you can tape his antics. You can also encourage his friends
to give him honest feedback the next day.
2. You might approach him the next day giving specific examples
of what you saw and heard him do while avoiding judgmental words like
“obnoxious.” You might also encourage him to ask his friends how much
fun they thought he was while making his speech. If you made a tape,
ask him to listen to it. People often have euphoric recall about these
events and do not remember them in the same others do.
FLASHTOOLS
for # S3
1 – Being factual
2 - Expressing concern
3 - setting boundaries.
CASE
# S4 A Really Small Incident
Your roommate comes home a little late. You have never known her to
drink heavily before, but tonight she admits with slurred speech, “I’ve
had sheveral drinkies.” She spins herself around and falls into bed
laughing hysterically at her inability to speak clearly.
This one is an example of a really small incident. What are some appropriate
ways to Flash Your Brights the next day?
POSSIBLE
RESPONSES # S4 - A Really Small Incident
1. This one is truly simple, since it is so small. Ask her the
next day if she remembers what she did when she came in last night.
If she doesn’t remember it exactly, then fill in the blanks for her.
You may be giving her new information. You may also note that you are
very happy that she wasn’t driving.
2. If you believe the incident is more serious, then you will
also want to avoid making a joke about it or supporting any bragging
or story-telling.
FLASH TOOLS for # S4
1 – Being factual
2 - Expressing concern
CASE
# S5 Borrows For Booze
One
of your sisters needs to borrow $20 for “gas money.” You could afford
the loan but it wouldn’t be easy for you. She has borrowed from you
before. She always pays you back although it sometimes takes longer
than she promises. You’re pretty sure she will use the money for alcohol.
The only place she ever drives is Geezer’s Pub 3 or 4 nights a week
and that’s less than a mile a way.
If you decided not to loan her the $20 what could you tell her your
reasons are? If you decided to loan her the money how would you tell
her your concern about the frequency of her alcohol consumption?
POSSIBLE RESPONSES # S5 – Borrows For Booze
1. "This is the third or fourth time you’ve needed a loan.
You always pay back on time, so I’m okay with loaning you the money.
It seems like where you mostly go is Geezer’s Pub. If you need some
beer money, say so. I guess I’d feel better about it if you were straight
with me."
2. "It seems like where you mostly go is Geezer’s Pub, so
you probably don’t need a lot of gas money for that. Anyway, I’d rather
not loan it to you since right now its tough enough for me to buy a
couple of beers for myself."
3. "You’ve been real good about paying back the 3 or 4 times
I’ve loaned you money before, so I don’t have any problem loaning it
to you now. But, really, about the only place you go is Geezer’s Pub.
I kind of worry about you getting home okay, if you’re driving."
FLASH TOOLS for # S5
1 – Being factual
2 - Expressing concern
3 - setting boundaries.
CASE
# S6 The Clueless Coach
You
watched your friend Terry knock off a pint of vodka the night before
a game. Terry played poorly which affected the performance of the whole
team. The coach is talking to him or her now. The coach appears to be
clueless about why Terry performed so poorly. Everybody else on the
team knows why.
How can you approach other people on the team with your concern about
Terry without backstabbing? What could you or several of you say to
Terry? What risks would you be taking if you approached the coach? Would
it be worth it? Why? Why not?
POSSIBLE RESPONSES # S6 - The Clueless Coach
1. "It bothers me that you drank a whole pint of vodka the
night before a game. Considering the way you played today, it hurt everybody
on this team. The only thing I can figure out is that either your booze
is way out of control, or something really bad just happened to you.
I’m ready to listen any time you want to talk, or help you find somebody
your comfortable with."
2. "It bothers me that you drank a whole pint of vodka the
night before a game. Everybody on the team knows, so don’t be surprised
if coach finds out and asks you about it. Something must have really
gone wrong for you to drink like that before a game. It might be good
if you set something up at counseling services before Coach comes after
you. I’ll even go with you if you want."
3. Approach a couple of key team members that you and Terry both
respect. You may just want to let Terry know that you (like everyone
else) know about why he or she played so poorly today. You may also
tell Terry that if s)he ever drinks anything the night before a game
again that you owe it to the team to clue the Coach in on what is happening.
You and the other team members can decide if it would be better to approach
Terry together or individually.
FLASH TOOLS for # S6
1 – Being factual
2 - Expressing concern
4 - setting boundaries
5 – offering help
CASES
# S7 & S8 Date Rape
Cases
# S7 and # S8 are about the relationship between alcohol and date rape.
The two cases go together. If you choose one, then choose both. However,
you must assume that you do not have the information from Case # 8 while
you work on # 7 and vice versa. You and your friends are sitting up
late talking one evening. It's one of those times when everyone is tired
but no one wants to go to bed. As the conversation gets deeper Jake
starts talking about a problem with his girlfriend. She hasn’t even
spoken with him since their last date. They had a few drinks and went
back to her place. He remembers very little of what happened after that.
He called her earlier this week, but as soon as he said, “Hello,” she
hung up. He’s called a bunch of times since then but she doesn’t even
answer now.
There are two issues here: One is that Jake’s drinking was far enough
out of control that he did something serious, but he has no memory of
it. The second issue is how does he find out about what he did that
resulted in so much fear, anger or hurt that his girlfriend won’t even
communicate with him.
POSSIBLE RESPONSES # S7 – Date Rape
Discuss with Jake that if his girlfriend was that abrupt with a phone
call, then going to see her, might be a confrontation. It also means
that whatever he did was really serious. He could write a letter apologizing
for the incident. Neither his heavy drinking nor his memory blackout
about what he did excuse him for it. In his apology, he needs to ask
about what he did so he can take responsibility for it. Depending on
the level of their relationship, flowers might be a good idea. "What
do you remember from Saturday night?" "Not being able to remember
things you would normally remember because of alcohol is a blackout.
Has this ever happened to you before?” If so, "How often does it
happen?" "Repeated blackouts or blackouts on any kind of a
regular basis, even four times a year, is one of the first signs of
a possible alcohol problem." Your questions encourage Jake to Say
What You See, Say What You Know.
FLASH TOOLS for # S7
1 – Being factual
2 - Expressing concern
3 - setting boundaries
5 – offering hope for change
CASE # S8 – Date Rape
Cases # S7 and # S8 are about the relationship between alcohol and date
rape. The two cases go together. If you choose one, then choose both.
However, you must assume that you do not have the information from Case
# S8 while you work on #S 7 and vice versa. You and your friends are
sitting up late talking one evening. It's one of those times when everyone
is tired but no one wants to go to bed. As the conversation gets deeper
Erin begins to tell about what her boyfriend did to her last Saturday.
They had both had a few beers and headed back to her place. When he
wanted to go farther with her sexually than she wanted to, he got "kind
of rough." It was a struggle but she finally got him to stop. Now,
she is scared to even talk to him. There are two issues to consider:
One is supporting Erin in ventilating her feelings about what happened.
Another is to help her set new boundaries with her boyfriend.
POSSIBLE RESPONSES # S8 – Date Rape
Ask Erin if this is the first time Jake has scared her. How is she feeling
about what he did and has anything like this ever happened before? Encourage
Erin to see a counselor about date rape because this type of abuse can
sometimes have a negative effect on a person’s future relationships.
Bring Erin information/pamphlets from your local Rape/Spouse Abuse Agency.
Suggest that Erin write him a letter or leave a phone message when she
knows he won’t be home. Tell him that he can understand why she does
not want any contact with him after what happened. If he does want contact,
she would only agree to meet him in a counseling session at a counselor’s
office.
FLASH TOOLS for # S8
1 – Being factual
2 - Expressing concern
3 - setting boundaries
4 – Offer hope and resources for change
CASE
# S9 – Cultural Conflicts
You
are at a nearby campus pub interviewing a fellow student, Horncloud,
for a term paper related to cultural issues. He has finished one pitcher
of beer in the time you have knocked off one glass. As he orders his
second, he shares that his parents are of different races. He describes
some of his pain in living between two worlds, mainstream society and
his culture. He is slowing down only a little as he goes through his
second pitcher. You are concerned that he may be drinking to ease some
of his uncomfortable feelings and to avoid some unresolved identity
issues.
Think through what resources you might want to use, both on campus
and off. If you are of a different culture from Horncloud what cultural
resources can you use? Decide whether it would be fitting for you to
comment on his drinking this evening, or if you should wait a day.
POSSIBLE RESPONSES # S9 – Cultural Conflicts
1. Listen very attentively and try not to jump to conclusions.
Making comments you believe are helpful won’t have much impact after
two pitchers of beer. Reserve your comments for clarifying what he said.
By listening, show him What You Feel.
2. Take him a copy of your paper when it is finished. Thank him
for being so honest during your interview because he has obviously had
to live with some tough issues. Tell him you asked your professor for
the names of the best people to talk to if a person needs help sorting
through painful cultural issues. Hand him the name or names. If he indicates
he is willing to see a therapist, you could call the therapist confidentially.
Tell him or her that when Horncloud first told you about these painful
issues, he drank two pitchers of beer. You don’t know if he did that
to deal with the pain or if he drinks too much but you wanted the counselor
to know.
Say What You See, Say What You Feel, Say Why There is Hope for Change.
FLASH TOOLS for # S9
1 – Being factual
2 - Expressing concern
3 - setting boundaries
CASE
# S10 – Spit Tobacco
Your
boyfriend has started chewing tobacco. You don’t like the smell or the
taste when you make out. He says, “It’s harmless. It’s nothing like
smoking.”
On your campus or in your community, where could you obtain information
about "chew?" What would you say to take care of business
on your side of the boundary?
POSSIBLE RESPONSES # S10 – Spit Tobacco
1. "It is different than smoking. You get skin cancer or
throat cancer instead of lung cancer." Say What You Know.
2. Wrap him a present. Inside have it filled with materials on
the health hazards of chewing tobacco. On the card, let him know you
care. Say What You See, Say What You Know.
3. "It really tastes awful to kiss you after you’ve been
chewing." Say What You Know.
FLASH TOOLS for # S10
1 – Being factual
2 - Expressing concern
CASE
# S11 – Borrows for Bets
Your
friend Mick needs to borrow a few bucks. He is already into you for
$45, most of which he promised to repay two weeks ago. He says that
he will be able to pay it all back later tonight. You figure he is going
to use the money to bet on some of the games.
What will you say to him if you loan him the money and what will
you say if you don’t? How will you bring up the question of gambling
to him?
POSSIBLE RESPONSES # S11 – Borrows for Bets
1. "Do you have any money bet on the games tonight or are
you planning to bet on any games?" If he says yes then say, "No.
I’m not loaning you money to gamble. Anyone that would borrow money
to gamble has a problem." If he says no, then loan him the money
and say, "I’d better not find out your betting. Anyone that would
borrow money to gamble has a problem." Say What You Know, Say
Where Your Boundaries Are.
2. "No. You already owe me $45 that you’re late repaying.
In fact, I’ve been concerned about you because I’ve heard you’ve been
gambling." Say What You See, Say What You Feel.
FLASH TOOLS for # S11
1 – Being factual
2 - Expressing concern
CASE
# S12 – The Teammate
One of your teammates, Mel, finished off most of a twelve-pack at a
party you attended together. You weren’t keeping count but it was obvious
that s)he would only get home with assistance. At the next day’s practice,
Mel looked rocky and was only operating at 50%. The Coach rode Mel pretty
hard during most of the practice.
Assume that Mel is normally totally committed to the team. Do you
see Mel’s problem as any of your business or concern? Why? Why not?
You drank moderately the night before (two standard drinks). If you
talked to Mel, how would you start the conversation? If Mel noted that
you were drinking too, how would you respond?
POSSIBLE RESPONSES # S12 – The Teammate
1. Mel, I enjoy partying myself but your drinking is upsetting
me. Last night you almost drank a whole 12 pack yourself and you looked
it today in practice. Say What You See, Say What You Feel.
2. Look Mel, your drinking last night really screwed up your
practice today. Since I’m you friend you can expect me to tell you every
time you drink too much and mess things up. Say What You See, Say Where
Your Boundaries Are.
FLASH TOOLS for # S12
1 – Being factual
2 - Expressing concern
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